Horticulturists anonymous

by Hana Eades

opinion editor

Disclaimer: These steps are meant as an entertaining approach to show Hana’s appreciation for gardening. Not in any way do they represent the true value of any 12-step programs.

Step 1: I admit I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has be­come unmanageable.

I love gardening. Sure, there is some­thing motivating and encouraging about nurturing a living thing on a daily basis; however, my appreciation for nature has turned into something more. I have an obsession with buying plants.

Step 2: I acknowledge that only a higher power can help me through this addic­tion to horticulture.

Friends tell me that I should seek help. I have tried by talking with some of my friends — but I realize that my garden gnome named Gnomey doesn’t count as a real accountability partner.

Step 3: I am turning over my will and the will of my plants to the care of God as I understand God.

I need to realize that my garden, although it consists of God’s creativ­ity, does not belong to only me; it is a shared relationship between the Cre­ator and myself.

Step 4: I have searched fearlessly and made a moral inventory of myself.

Although I’d like to think I am a good person, I know that I do not al­ways have the greatest moral judgment. Sometimes I even treat some plants bet­ter than others, because I feel they’re sad for not having as much sunlight.

Step 5: I have admitted to God, to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.

God knows that I have a problem with buying plants. I know I should feel bad about my addiction, yet I still strug­gle to stop purchasing. I have told a few friends (other than Gnomey, of course) about my addiction to gardening.

Step 6: I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

As long as the defects of my charac­ter are removed, but not my plants, I’ll be OK. But then again, my plants are di­rectly related to my defects of character. Well, maybe I’m not ready for this step. Anyhow, on to the next.

Step 7: I need to humbly ask God to re­move my shortcomings.

Seeing as I cannot give up my plants, I acknowledge that I need to humbly ask God to forgive me of my shortcom­ings; I continually buy plants and tend to them on a daily basis, so God, please forgive me.

Step 8: Here is where I need to make a list of all the people I have caused harm to, and make amends to them.

First off, if any of my neighbors have allergies, I am truly sorry for my garden­ing obsession. To those who live below me, I apologize for when the water from the flower pots runs off the balcony and onto your sidewalk, instead of down the drain like it should. To my roommates, I am sorry for the potting soil that some­times blows out of the flower pots and into the walkway.

Step 9: Now, I need to make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Wait, didn’t I just do that in Step 8? I’m so confused!

Step 10: This step should be a contin­ued attempt to make a personal inven­tory and promptly admit when I have been wrong.

I suppose I was wrong to not clean up the dirt around the flower pots. Oth­er than that, I still love my plants. This program of weaning me from plant-pur­chasing has been a complete struggle.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and medi­tation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understood Him, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry that out.

Whenever I pray, I tend to still be sur­rounded by my flower garden, and then I focus more on the flowers and what I need to do to nurture them than I focus on my prayer. Meditation to avoid think­ing of plants is difficult when surround­ed by plants, to say the least.

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awaken­ing as the result of these steps, I tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I have talked to one other horticulture addict, and she most likely will not par­ticipate in this program. Actually, she reminded me that I need to go get some bug repellent for my plants so that they won’t die. Anyhow, this has been great, but now I need to run to the flower shop.